The acts of conversation

Once upon a time, not all that long ago, the only way of conducting a conversation was face to face. Maybe over tea and dainty snacks in the drawing room discussing art, or over beer in a pub discussing more down to earth topics.

There were rules, perhaps informal ones, but rules none the less. Don't interrupt those of superior status. Take turns (mostly). Don't hog the floor time. Respect the conventions about which topics could not be brought up in the current context.

The only other means of conversing was by letter, which by definition meant it was restricted to those people who could read and write, and knew people that didn't live nearby, and could afford to actually send or receive the letter. (Used to be the receiver paid.) When you read old letters you'll note they always include the date it was sent, and usually noted other attempts at communication. They often include lots of information on various topics, such as the actual topic, news of prominent deaths, family news such as births, deaths, marriages, and whatever else might come to mind that might interest your correspondent. The actual letter could take a widely variable length of time to get there, and you often never knew for sure that it would actually get there, although during the late 1800's in London, mail could arrive up to 12 times a day. One could write to invite a friend to tea that afternoon, and receive a reply indicating acceptance. At that particular time and place, brevity was the soul of communication.

Letters aren't much used anymore, in the sense of a piece of paper with writing on it, put in an envelope, and sent by post to someone. My granny used to send me actual handwritten letters full of news about people I didn't know. I often corresponded back, though the letters were typed, and later, printed. She was mostly happy to get them, only because she complained about my abysmal handwriting when I did that. Other than from Granny, and excepting mail like Christmas or birthday cards, I can't think of the last time I got an actual letter from someone.

But now people complain about the lost art of conversation. Except I think it's changing, and we haven't sorted out the rules and expectations yet. Consider that there are two parts of conversation. One is the exchange of information. For example, "Such and such happened." The other is more subtle, and it's a validation of the other person's importance in your life, a recognition of the relationships. "You are worth taking the time to talk to."

We have more ways of exchanging news with other people than I'm willing to list here. E-mail is now considered almost as outdated as letter writing, texting, phone calls, video phone calls, more social media channels than I know about, and probably lots more. The problem here is that important news (your loved family member is getting married), ranks equally to some trivial bit of gossip from someone you've never met. (Damn you Facebook algorithm!) Staying on top of it depends on how many contacts you have, how active they are, and how willing you are to put in the time.

It can be a tenuous web of communication, and we might not know if someone has seen that photo, or read that post. Unless, of course, if they respond with a comment or with a 'like' icon.

But that gets us to the validation thing, and this is where we get into trouble. Is that like button, or heart, or other icon response an actual response? Does it mean they actually like what you posted? Is it just a 'yes I've seen what you said' and nothing more? Does an actual comment get you more points than a 'like' response? Does the importance of the news drive the degree of the expected response?

It seems that we've woven ourselves a fragile web of connections, a post here, a selfie photo there, a quick text, a like button or thumbs up icon response, a promise to get together for coffee or lunch sometime. I'm amazed at some of my social butterfly friends, as I think of them, managing a huge web of connections. I suppose some people think I'm such a person,  what with the blog, facebook, instagram, texting, and emails to/with various people, though I think of myself as an un-social recluse.

In one sense this web helps us maintain connections, and maybe makes it easier to renew connections should you actually meet unexpectedly. If the people on each end of a connection are both good with it, then life is fine. But what if the expectations are different? What if one person posts something of actual content, hoping to spark a conversation, and gets only a like response? Or worse, if they find out the person on the other end has decided even a loose connection is too much and they hit the unfriend button? Or maybe they still want to be friends but a creepy stalker ex is driving them from social media and the loss of a connection to a friend is an unfortunate consequence. Except the hurt friend doesn't know that.

What with COVID, actual face to face conversations are problematic. Somehow a video call isn't quite the same. A voice only phone call seems kind of distant now. For fun I just scrolled back through the recent calls on my phone. Some work calls. Some appointment confirmations and followup. Some community association stuff. A few junk robo-calls. Most important were several video chats with friends. But no actual phone calls to or from friends. It's all other channels.

So where do we go? We yearn for connection, and some might say we are overly connected in numbers, and loosely connected in meaning. Maybe our solution is to develop our connections and make them richer. Actually put a comment on that Facebook post. Or send a text that is more than some emojis strung together. Or (gasp) an actual chatty email.

Or maybe part of the solution is to drop some of those distant connections where really, there is no connection.

Now, those waves coming out of my head, are they attempts at communication?

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